Shrek: This is the part where you run away.
Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
[nose grows]
Captain of Guards: Five schillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
Donkey: You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha.
Donkey: Wow, that was really scary and if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath STINKS.
Donkey: And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man, there were some strong gases seepin' outta my butt that day!
Shrek: Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
The Donkey: Wow, only a true friend would be that truely honest.
Donkey: Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
Shrek: That would be my home.
Donkey: Oh and it is LOVELY. You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.
Shrek: Oh no no no, dead broad OFF THE TABLE!
Dwarf: Well where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
Shrek: What?
Big Bad Wolf: [dressed as Grandmother in bed] What?
[eyeing the "KEEP OUT" signs surrounding Shrek's home]
Donkey: You, uh... you don't entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: Y'know, me too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...
[big awkward silence ensues]
Donkey: ... Can I stay with you?
Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?
Shrek: Of course.
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: NO.
Donkey: Please. I don't wanna go back there. You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak... Well, maybe you do, but that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay!
Donkey: We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!
[the seven dwarves have placed Snow White in the table]
Shrek: Oh, no no no no. Dead broad OFF the table...
Little Pig: He hooffed und he poooffed und he... signed an eviction notice.
Lord Farquaad: Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man.
Gingerbread Man: You're a monster.
Lord Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingerbread Man: Eat me!
[spits]
Lord Farquaad: [Wiping spit from hid face] I've tried to be fair to you creatures, now my patience has reached it's end! Tell me or I'll...
Gingerbread Man: NO! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad: Alright then! Who's hiding them?
Gingerbread Man: Ok. I'll tell you. Do you know... the muffin man?
Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?
Gingerbread Man: The muffin man.
Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the muffin man. W-who lives on Drewery Lane?
Gingerbread Man: Well, she's married to the muffin man.
Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?
Gingerbread Man: THE MUFFIN MAN!
Lord Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man...
Lord Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king.
Lord Farquaad: Thelonius?
[Thelonius the Executioner smashes a small looking glass]
Lord Farquaad: You were saying?
Magic Mirror: [nervous] Er, I mean you're not a king YET...
Magic Mirror: Our first bachelorette is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot-tubbing any time. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Let's hear it for Cinderella! Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the Land of Fantasy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her frozen, dead lips and find out what a live wire she is. Give it up for Snow White! And last but not least is a fiery redhead who lives in a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by a boiling lake of lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!
[while looking at Lord Farquaad's huge castle]
Shrek: Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?
Puppets at the Information Center: [singing] / Welcome to Duloc / Such a perfect town / Here we have some rules / Let us lay them down / Don't make waves / Stay in line / And we'll get along fine / Duloc is a perfect place / Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes / Wipe your... FACE. / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is a perfect... place.
Donkey: Wow. Let's do that again.
Donkey: I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.
[Donkey keeps humming]
Shrek: All right, you're going the right way for a smack bottom.
Lord Farquaad: Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
[Shrek enters the tournament]
Lord Farquaad: What's that? It's hideous.
Shrek: Well, that's not very nice.
[looks at Donkey]
Shrek: It's just a donkey.
Shrek: Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal.
Donkey: Okay, let me get this straight: you gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad'll give you back your swamp, which you only don't have 'cos he filled it full of freaks in the first place, is that about right?
Shrek: Ogres are like onions.
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes. No.
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry.
Shrek: No.
Donkey: Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
Shrek: NO. Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
[sighs]
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions.
[Shrek and Donkey are on their way to rescue Fiona, Donkey sniffs the air]
Donkey: Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and everything.
Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead. That's brimstone... we must be getting close
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone, don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone and it didn't come off no stone neither.
Shrek: Sure it's big enough... but look at the location.
Donkey: Shrek, remember when you said that ogres have layers?
Shrek: Oh, aye?
Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.
Shrek: Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves.
Donkey: You know what I mean.
Shrek: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights?
Donkey: No, I'm just uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge, over a *boiling lake of lava*.
Donkey: I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt, too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going.
[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]
Donkey: Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down. Keep on moving, don't look down...
[a board under Donkey breaks, causing him to look down]
Donkey: Shrek, I'm looking down.
Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
Donkey: So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
Shrek: In the tower, waiting for us to rescue her.
Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
Shrek: Donkey, two things okay? Shut... up.
Shrek: Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.
Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.
Shrek: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey: How do you know that?
Shrek: I read it in a book once.
Donkey: ...take drastic steps, kick it to the curb. Don't mess wit' me. I'm the Stair Master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right now, I'd step all over it.
[to the dragon]
Donkey: Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean white sparkly teeth, I know you probably hear this all the time from your food but you must bleach or something, 'cause that's one dazzling smile you got there and do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
[to dragon]
Donkey: Why of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty... hey, what's the matter wit you, you got somethin' in your eye?
[Shrek rescues Fiona]
Princess Fiona: What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
Shrek: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
Princess Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?
Shrek: It's on my "to do" list. Now come on.
Princess Fiona: But this isn't right. You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying-that's what all the other knights did.
Shrek: Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
Princess Fiona: What kind of a knight are you?
Shrek: One of a kind.
Donkey: Hi, princess.
Princess Fiona: It talks.
Shrek: Yeah, but it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.
The Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that? She called me a "noble steed." She thinks I'm a steed.
Princess Fiona: The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
Shrek: Uh, no.
Princess Fiona: Why not?
Shrek: I have helmet hair.
Princess Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
Shrek: Oh, no, you wouldn't... tst.
Princess Fiona: But... how will you kiss me?
Shrek: What? That wasn't in the job description.
The Donkey: Maybe it's a perk.
Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now.
[Donkey and Shrek are looking at constellations in the night sky]
The Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
The Donkey: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?
Shrek: That's the moon.
The Donkey: Oh, okay.
[Shrek, Donkey, and Fiona are in the forest. Shrek burps]
The Donkey: Shrek.
Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say.
The Donkey: But that's no way to behave in front of a princess.
[Fiona burps louder]
Princess Fiona: Thanks.
The Donkey: [to Shrek] She's as nasty as you are.
Shrek: Hold the phone.
Princess Fiona: Well, when one lives alone, one has to learns these things in case there's...
[points]
Princess Fiona: THERE'S AN ARROW IN YOUR BUTT.
Shrek: What?
[looks at arrow]
Shrek: Oh, would you look at that.
Donkey: Don't die, Shrek. And if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light.
[looking for a certain type of flower]
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Man, this would be so much easier if I wasn't COLOR-BLIND!
[Donkey thinks he's dying]
The Donkey: Oh man. I can't feel my toes.
[Looks down and yelps]
The Donkey: I don't have any toes.
[Sits down]
The Donkey: I think I need a hug.
Princess Fiona: By night one way, by day another / This shall be the norm / Until you find true love's first kiss / Then... take love's true form.
The Donkey: C'mon, princess, you're not that ugly. All right, you are ugly. But you're only like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.
[Shrek repeatedly thanks the Donkey]
The Donkey: Stop it, nobody likes a kiss-ass.
Donkey: You love this woman, don't ya?
Shrek: Yes.
Donkey: Do you wanna hold her?
Shrek: Yes.
Donkey: Please her?
Shrek: Yes.
Donkey: Then ya gotta, gotta try a little *tenderness*! Chicks love that romantic crap.
Princess Fiona: I wanted to show you before.
[turns into an ogre]
Shrek: Well, er, *that* explains a lot.
[Shrek bursts into Fiona's and Farquaad's wedding]
Lord Farquaad: Now really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding?
Donkey: Aright, nobody move. I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it.
[gasps from villagers and guards in the church]
Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge.
[the dragon has eaten Lord Farquaad and spits out his crown]
Donkey: Huh, celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?
Shrek: Fiona? Are you all right?
[Stands up and looks at herself, then at Shrek]
Princess Fiona: Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
Shrek: But you are beautiful.
[They kiss and live happily ever after]
Gingerbread Man: God bless us, everyone.
[first lines]
[Shrek is reading a book in the outside toilet]
Shrek: Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss.
[tears out a page and laughs]
Shrek: Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of...
[flushes toilet and comes out]
Princess Fiona: Wait. Where are you going?
Shrek: Well, I have to save my ass.
Shrek: Does anyone know where this Farquaad guy is?
[Donkey jumps up and down, shouting out like a young child]
Donkey: Oh, I know. I know where he is.
Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him?
Donkey: Pick me! Pick me! Me! Me!
Donkey: Where there is a will there is a way, and I have a way.
[Donkey whistles and the dragon appears in the sky]
Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
Donkey: You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy, your afraid of your own feelings.
Shrek: Go away
Donkey: There you are doing it again, just like you did to Fiona, all she ever did was like you maybe even love you.
Shrek: If I treat you so badly, then why are you still here?
Donkey: Because that's what friends do, they FORGIVE EACH OTHER.
Donkey: Parfait's gotta be the tastiest thing on the whole damn planet.
[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to storm his swamp]
Villager 1: Do you know what that thing could do?
Villager 2: It'll grind your bones for its bread.
Shrek: Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now ogres, oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes... Actually, it's quite good on toast.
Gingerbread Man: NOT MY BUTTONS. Not my gum-drop buttons.
Shrek: Little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?
Donkey: Really tall?
Shrek: No. I'm an ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchfork. Doesn't that bother you?
Donkey: Nope.
Shrek: Really?
Donkey: Really, Really. Man I like you. What's your name?
Shrek: Er, Shrek.
Princess Fiona: [to Shrek] I'm supposed to be rescued by my *true love*, not by some ogre and his *pet*!
Donkey: Well, so much for "noble steed."
Captain of Guards: [to Shrek] You there! Ogre!
Shrek: Aye?
Captain of Guards: [to both Shrek and Donkey] By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement.
Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?
[the Captain looks behind him and notices that his army had run away and he does the same]
Shrek: [to Donkey] I already told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me! I live alone! *My* swamp! ME! Nobody else, understand? *Nobody*! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, TALKING *DONKEYS*!
Donkey: But I thought...
Shrek: [interrupting] Yeah, well, you know what? You thought wrong.
Shrek: Hey, I'm nobody's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.
[Blind Mouse is on Shrek's shoulder, sniffing]
Blind Mouse: I found some cheese.
[Blind Mouse bites Shrek in the ear]
Shrek: Ow!
Blind Mouse: Ugh! Awful stuff.
The Donkey: Wait a minute, I know what's going on. You're afraid of the dark.
Princess Fiona: Why... yes!
The Donkey: Don't worry, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark until... No, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
The Donkey: [waking up] Uh... What'd I miss? What'd I miss?
[suddenly notices the guards walking by]
The Donkey: [trying to throw his voice] Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey.
Princess Fiona: [as ogre] Donkey, shh, shh. It's me... in this body.
Donkey: [gasps] Oh, my God, you ate the princess!
Merry Men: [singing] Ta da, da da da da - whoo!
Monsieur Hood: I steal from the rich and give to the needy...
Merry Man: He takes a wee percentage...
Monsieur Hood: But I'm not greedy - I rescue pretty damsels, man I'm good!
Merry Men: What a guy, ha ha, Monsieur Hood!
Monsieur Hood: Break it down...
[Merry Men Irish step dance]
Monsieur Hood: I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid...
Merry Men: What he's basically saying is he likes to get...
Monsieur Hood: Paid!
Monsieur Hood: So, when an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad.
Merry Man: [joining in] That's bad, that's bad, that's bad!
Monsieur Hood: When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad!
Merry Men: He's mad, he's really, really mad!
Monsieur Hood: Now I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys, 'Cause I'm about to start...
[Fiona swoops in and kicks him - the music stops]
Princess Fiona: Man, that was annoying!
Donkey: You know what, Shrek? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out.
Shrek: No! You think?
Donkey: Are you hiding something?
Shrek: Let it go, Donkey.
Donkey: Oh, this is one of those onion things, isn't it?
Shrek: No, it's one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things.
Donkey: Why won't you talk about it?
Shrek: Why do you want to talk about it?
Donkey: Then why are you blocking?
Shrek: I'm not blocking.
Donkey: Oh, yes you are.
Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you.
Donkey: Just who are you trying to keep away? Just tell me that, Shrek?
Shrek: Everyone! All right?
Donkey: Oh, now we're getting somewhere.
Donkey: [the bridge is swaying] Don't do that!
Shrek: Don't do what? Oh, you mean this?
[makes the bridge sway]
Donkey: Yes, that!
Shrek: Yes. Yes, do it. Okay.
[sways the bridge some more]
Donkey: No, Shrek!
Captain of Guards: Next! What have you got?
Old Woman: Well, I have a talking donkey.
Captain of Guards: Really? Well, that's good for ten shillings... if you can prove it.
Old Woman: Go ahead, little fella.
[Donkey says nothing]
Captain of Guards: Well?
Old Woman: He's just a little nervous. He's really quite the chatter box. Talk, you stupid dolt...
Captain of Guards: I've heard enough. Guards!
Old Woman: He can talk, really.
Old Woman: [moves Donkey's mouth while trying to throw her voice] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest thing you ever saw.
Captain of Guards: Get her out of my sight.
Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint?
Shrek: And that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to spit over three wheat fields.
Donkey: Okay, I see it. Hey, Shrek. Can you tell my future from these stars?
Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. That one is Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.
Donkey: Okay, now I know you're making that up
Shrek: No, see? That's him, and this is the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Donkey: Man, that ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots.
Baby Bear: This cage is too small.
[last lines]
Donkey: Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Princess Fiona: Shrek's hurt.
The Donkey: What? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
Shrek: Donkey, I'm fine.
The Donkey: You can't die on me, Shrek! I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich?
Shrek: [fighting over a log] Stubborn *jackass*!
The Donkey: Smelly *ogre*!
[Dragon, having a crush on Donkey, is cuddling him]
Donkey: [desperately talking] I don't want to rush into a... physical relationship... I'm not that emotionally ready for a... uh... commitment of this... uh... magnitude! Really, that's the word I'm looking for, magnitude... Huh! Hey, that is unwanted physical contact! Hey! What're you doing? Okay, okay, okay... let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time... I mean, we should really get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even as pen pals, you know, coz I'm on the road a lot, but I just love to get a card... Hey, hey, hey, don't do that, that's my *tail*, that's my personal tail, you're gonna tear it off! I don't give permission to... Hey, what're you gonna do next? Oh, no, no, no, no... no!
Donkey: Okay, so here's another question: Say there's a woman who digs you, right, but you really don't like her *that* quick - now how do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burnt to a crispy piece? How do you do that?
Princess Fiona: Just tell her she's not your true love!
Donkey: Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with *me*! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm bett
er off alone...[Shrek and Fiona are having dinner on the last day of their journey]
Princess Fiona: Mmmm... This is good... mmm... this is really good... what is it?
Shrek: A weed rat, cooked rotisserie style!
Princess Fiona: No kidding... Oh, this is delicious!
Shrek: Well, they're also great in stews - now I don't mean to brag, but I make a MEAN weedrat stew!
[They both look over at the kingdom of Duloc]
Princess Fiona: I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night...
Shrek: Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime... I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you - swamp toad soup, fish eye tartar, you name it!
Princess Fiona: I'd like that...
[he sucks up a weedrat tail, and awkwardly laughs. She smiles back at him, and their eyes meet. In the background, a love ballad, "You Belong To Me," plays]
Shrek: Um... Princess?
Princess Fiona: Yes... Shrek?
Shrek: I... um... I was wondering... are you... um... are you going to eat that?
[he makes a gesture of frustration when she isn't looking. She places the weedrat in his hand, and they lean towards each other... ]
Shrek: Um... Fiona?
Princess Fiona: Yes, Shrek?
Shrek: I... I love you.
Princess Fiona: Really?
Shrek: Really, really!
Shrek: Mmmm... I love you too.
[they kiss. Thalonius writes "Awwww" on a cue card for the audience. Fiona floats up in the air and her enchantment breaks in a blaze of light... ]
Shrek: What're the flowers for?
Princess Fiona: Getting rid of Donkey.
Donkey: We can stay up late, watch Scary Movies, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!
Lord Farquaad: [Slowly and dramatically to the looking glass] Magic... mirror... on... the wa...
Gingerbread Man: DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING!
Donkey: What about parfait? Everybody loves parfait!
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